Humor

I'm incredibly lucky to have two kids with spectacular senses of humor. I need to remember that.

Last Friday they went to see Santa. My rule is they've got to get their picture made with Santa until they are 18. So instead of subjecting them to standing in line to see Santa with their mother (and subjecting me to listening to them complain), I had Emily (nanny, driver, 'manager') take them. She said they were fussing and complaining away so she told them to do anything, even act crazy around Santa but just hush and get the picture done. So the boy came up with a plan and the girl went along.

Apparently they sit down on Santa's lap and the boy starts looking all cutsy, shrugs his shoulders and in a fairly feminine voice tells Santa that he wants a multi colored pony for Christmas. Santa, a little perplexed, then turns to the girl who deadpans "and I want a gun". Shocked, Santa looks at Emily who is a bit surprised they actually did it, steps back and tells Santa that they aren't hers, she only watches them. Luckily Santa has a pretty good sense of humor himself so he kept my kids there for a very long time. The boy was asking questions about the universe (So Santa, since you've been all over everywhere, how big IS the universe) and Santa was having a grand ole time goofing with them. Eventually the picture takers had to remind Santa that there was a string of little kids waiting and off my two went.

The picture is awesome. I'll post it later.

Merry Christmas.

Tis the Season

So here we are, back at Christmas. As in the past, I swore this wouldn't go bad. I'd have everything done, I'd be prepared, I have fun. Well, maybe I needed one more off year.

I was doing better this year. I did most of my shopping in November when I was in Hong Kong. I tried not to let the fact that I had the nanny decorate my tree get to me too much. But it all came crashing in this week -- I was so off. Not as off as I was a year ago but about as off as I was early fall and now I'm on 'just get through' mode.

I most get why and it is several things really. First off, I miss my dad. Second, this is the first divorced christmas and while we are making it okay -- it still is a reminder of the fact that so many things went wrong there and I'm not where I wanted to be or thought I'd be at this point. And finally, my mother. She causes me so much stress it is unbelievable. Even when I see it coming and think I can handle it, it makes so upset I've felt ill the past two days.

But the boy. The boy has been almost perfect. When I fell a little apart on Friday night he gives me a big huge like he meant it hug and told me I'd been handling all the stress very well. Said he'd never be able to do what I did and that he thought I was doing great and that I really just needed not to worry about my mother. What a darling. I kind of felt bad he had to step in and be the man but thank god he did.

SIms

My daughter is a Sims fanatic. All she does these days is play Sims. She creates families, kills them off, rearranges them, lets them do their own thing. She recreates our family in all its various incarnations.

She's quite the computer literate little thing too.

What an awesome darling.

Texas

So here I sit in a hotel room in Austin, Texas. I love Texas. I know it isn't cool to love Texas unless you happen to have been born here but I just can't help myself. I love they way they talk, I love the way it looks, I love the friendly people, I love the silly highway system, I love they names they call their cities. I just love it. I think mostly it was because a very good part of my life happened in TX so when I'm here, even if I'm not in Dallas area where I lived, I still feel very comfortable and happy.

My new job has a warehouse here in Austin and tomorrow we get to count inventory. I've not counted inventory in a very long time -- and yuck. But luckily I'm at the point of not really counting inventory but observing the counting, I'm good.

Tomorrow night we might get to go to 6th Street. Nice.

But tonight, I'm tired beyond reason. Which is really weird since I slept very well last night as well as slept a bunch on the plane (weirdest thing my LA gig did for me -- it made me a plane sleeper-- I can't seem to stay awake on an airplane (except for flights home from HK apparently)). It is almost 8pm CA time and I'm done for.

Nighty night.

Better

I guess it all just takes time. I just read the blurb I wrote last and remember. September seemed to be awful. I couldn't figure out why it was so awful but it was.

But slowly and surely I seem to be getting better. I guess it just take time when you loose a parent and finish a marriage all in one year.

October ended up being nuts. A crazy month but one that resulted in me getting a job in San Jose !! I was just about done with the weekly travel to LA. It was okay until it wasn't and when it wasn't I'd about lost my mind. I had three bad flights and knew I was done - and luckily something fell right into my lap! Wow! Maybe my karma has changed. One can hope.

But it still has been so hectic with all that. Mid October I had a week business trip in Orlando. Then came back, accepted new job, quit, worked the following week in LA and then went on vacation to Hong Kong. Came back from HK, did a final week with LA job while starting new job and the officially started new job last week. I'm exhausted thinking about the past month! Crazy.

But distracting. Which I think is good. I still need distraction I think. Oh and the working with adults all day might be fun too! That work from home bit was great until I lost all other social interaction and then it was becoming oppressive. And lonely.

But I'm good. Very good.

Unsettled

You know, I just wish the unsettled feeling would go away. I just want to feel okay. I just want to be okay.

You know, I really miss my dad. A lot. Things keep happening that I think I must remember to tell dad and then I remember I can't.

Hairspray

My new absolute favorite musical of all time. Now just to see it on a stage.

Zeus

Zeus
Originally uploaded by Tricia D

Meet Zeus. Newest member of my family. About a 4 month old little guy rescued from the middle school down the street. He's settling in nicely.

Time to Deal

I received the following text (in all its unedited glory) from my son Monday night but I did't see it until Tuesday morning.

"Hey we can talk when i get home but this school year i want to stay at your house every night except tuesday cause thats where my life is and my stuff. and every other weekend at dads and i want to fix alana. and i want to feel like i can talk to dad. I just never have felt honesty from him. And i want to have more fun cause i KNOW that will imporve my grades cause i was SO depressed last year and im sorry i didn't tell you. And TEXAS cured me"

I'm thinking thank god for Texas. Seems pretty straight forward to me. I have a feeling it will not be well received by his other parent. We can hope, however.

Home

Boy was I glad to get home on Sunday. Last week was the most exhausting week of my life, and I've had some exhausting weeks over the past couple of years. On Sunday my brother came into my hotel room and said he was done with logistics....I laughed. I had woken up in the middle of the night and thought if I had to coordinate one more thing, I was going to cry.

So now I'm back at work and the every day. Glad to be here too...the distraction is needed. The middle of the nights are still a bit tough.

Daughter has started cheerleading. I looked into this as a way she could perform but not have to follow in her brothers footsteps. So far, so good. And it will keep her busy for all of the rest of the summer.

Son is bored. He couldn't find a job -- seems 16 really is the magical age. I was hoping we'd find something but apparently it isn't to be. So he's driving me a bit crazy but that's okay. Soon he will go to TX for a week and then over to his dads for a vacation week and then school.

Nothing else to report.

Life

I'm sitting here in a library in Bullhead City, Arizona. Sort of surreal really. It was the only place I could find wireless to email my sister in law pictures of my dad. Dad never did think he needed DSL so the house still has dial up. And I've got a lot of pictures.

I got to AZ on Friday around 6pm. Dad wasn't conscious. His breathing was so gurgled because he was having trouble swallowing. Stepmom and I did gave him his medicine, we talked to dad, consoled each other and went to bed. She woke me up at around midnight because she was so concerned that dad spiked a fever. We stood around him and couldn't figure what to do so put a wash cloth on his forehead and attempted to get some sleep.

Stepmom called hospice nurse first thing and she got to the house soon after. She got dad's fever down and told us that 30% of patients get a fever within 24 to 48 hours of death. Was there anyone else that needed to be here? Go call your brothers NOW!

We managed to get older bro here in time -- he called me back within 30 minutes and had flight to LV and I had him picked up and home by 5pm. Younger brother had more scheduling issues and was coming from Louisville so he didn't end up making it in time.

Two hours after brother and I were back at the house, dad died. We had just all cleaned him up and changed his sheets. We all walked out of the room to take a breather, sat down at the table and within a few minutes brother jumped up and ran into the bedroom. He then screams "He's GONE". Stepmom screams "NO" and we go running in. He was gone. Kind of like dad to check out when no one was there.

Typing this sends me back in that room and it just was a horrible place to be. Brother and stepmom are extremely outwardly emotional and I was in shock. We were crying and we kept touching dad and really trying to decide what we knew was true. He was indeed gone.

You know, it is easy to say it was a blessing because at that point, it was. He was in so much pain and had been in horrible pain for quite some time. I touched him earlier in the day and he winced -- the cancer was everywhere. We even saw one of his tumors poking through his skin. He'd not been conscious for about 3 days. Yes, from that standpoint it was a blessing.

But it is never a blessing to loose someone you are close to. Ever. And no matter how much you know it is at the end, you are never prepared walk into that room and see that person not breathing. Never.

He was diagnosed with small cell lunch cancer back in October. We were told not to do chemo and he would be gone within 4 months. We did chemo and he made it for 10 with a relatively good quality of life. We had an awesome Christmas with both my brothers and their families, I talked to him all the time on the phone, mostly when at the airport with all my flying, I dropped everything and spent a great weekend with them in April, my youngest brother got to talk to him endlessly about job hunting advice, he saw my son in one of his plays in March and amazingly enough he made it up to San Jose for one last visit with older bro and I and our families for Father's Day/his birthday. I think we did everything right.

I love you dad. I'll miss you always.

Crazy

The crazy schedule begins today.

If all works out for my father, he goes home from hopsital today. Complete with hospice. The cancer is everywhere and he's hardly with it at all. It is so incredibly sad.

By Sunday, I'll decide if I want to pull up stakes and move to AZ for the short term to help.

HP

Eh, yeah. So I went to see Harry Potter yesterday.

Whew

I've got it all arranged. I've got to be in Dallas next Thursday for a meeting so this is what my next Wed to Monday looks like:

Wed -- fly to Dallas, arrange to meet co-workers coming from OC and LA
Thursday -- all day meeting, then drive co-workers back to airport, then meet friend for Dinner
Friday -- meet another friend for lunch, get on plane to Las Vegas, fly to LV, drive to dad's house in Bullhead City, AZ (2 hrs south of LV)
Saturday -- help stepmom and dad (if I am awake)
Sunday -- drive back to LV, fly to LA
Monday -- work all day in LA, fly home to SJC

I've got the flights all arranged, now I've got to arrange the car rentals (three!). And I need to figure out where I'm sleeping on Sunday night. It will be amazing if I don't manage to screw this up.

I just thought of something -- I should just drive from Bullhead City to LA -- that will be quicker than driving 2 hours back to LV and then flying an hour to LA. With airport hassles and car return/rental hassles, the four hour drive is much smarter.

Okay -- tomorrow I will cancel one flight. I guess it helps to say it all out. GAH.

Neutral, Good, Bad

Well, for those playing along, the conversation between father and son did finally take place. Last weekend. Son doesn't seem to remember what was said becasue he admits to not listening. Something along the lines of "so, did you learn something?" Son even thought it was too little, too late.

Oh well.

It has been pointed out to me that in the future, for any possible instances that may occur, I will involve the father right from the get go. Not for me, but for the boy (or girl). The trick will be to remember!

Onto good things. While I was in LA last week in June, my across the street neighbor cleaned up my yard a bit. Wasn't that the sweetest thing. She pruned rose bushes, swept the street (which was mess), swept all cobwebs from windows and cleaned out two gardens.

Lovely.

On bad news. My dad went into hospital last Wednesday. Not much more time left, I fear. Seems his body is shutting down...but so hard to say. Brother going this weekend, I'll take next.

Relax

Yesterday I was talking to a woman I work with. She's not local but at the corporate office in Dallas so I don't speak with her all that often. She was asking about how things were going now that the dust has settled a bit on my job and work situation. I fessed up to being bored.

I could feel the eyeroll through the phone.

I've know her for quite a long time. She's known how crazy my work schedule has been for quite a long time. She wondered why I would even care about being bored.

Well, as I told her, the company really doesn't need both my boss and I. There is way too much overlap and I'm just not busy enough and he gets to do all the fun stuff.

She knew that, heck, everyone knows that (even boss). The thing is, he can't do what I do so you'd think that would provide me a bit of security. But it doesn't seem to. However with all that is going on in the company over all she did tell me to relax and enjoy the summer and if I caught a bit of a break, go with it.

So I'm trying to do that. Relaxing isn't something I do well at all even though I talk about it being all I want to do. So we'll see.

Orange Toes

I just got my first ever manicure and pedicure. Yes indeed, almost 43 years old and I've never had a manicure or pedicure.

Friend had gift certificate for this place at fancy dancy mall and she offered to share it with me. Insisted really and I wasn't all that into it but she was being so nice to share and arrange and plan afternoon (have I mentioned I do have the nicest friends who really do the nicest things for me).

So we went and it was fun! Well I'm still not all that fond of someone touching my feet but overall it was great. And my feet, they never have looked so good. I keep staring at them.

Teenagers

I get it. I really do get it. Teenagers need to be awful so we let them go.

But yeesh, is the living through difficult.

After a particularly pleasant last 4 or 5 months, the teenager has decided to make up for it in spades.

And to think this is the boy....I've not even done teenager girl yet. God help me. Do you think I could cop a nervous breakdown to get out of jail?

Time

The princess informed me today she was officially done with fifth grade learning. She's considering herself a middle schooler and was reciting the things she'll never do again. She seemed excited. Me? Not so much.

With all my troubles the past two years, I feel like I just missed her 4th and 5th grade years. I hardly helped out at school, hardly made events, hardly was even aware. I get why and I try not to beat myself up too much but it is time that won't come back. And sometimes I feel really bad about that.

All Smiles

Wow, this is terrific! I can't stop smiling and I keep having to go to the mirror to check myself out!

Oh, but getting braces off is almost more painful than getting them on. For some reason, the cement liked me and really was fine with being there. The brackets were so hard to get off it had me in tears and finally the orthodontist had to saw them off. He said my braces were particularly tough to remove. Figures.

But the most important thing is they are off. Four years and I have a braces free mouth! Wow! Neighbor said I have movie star smile (how sweet) and I mostly think I've got the slipperest teeth around.

Any which way you look at it, I'm one smiley girl today.

Braces

The braces come off tomorrow morning at 8.30. To say I'm excited would be a huge understatement. Four years. But finally.

Wishing for Calmness

I did 3/4 of a mile without stopping. I want to be able to do a mile and then get faster. Will let son put me in training then. Heh.

The emotional swings are just about killing me. I was doing all right this past weekend, including getting a ton of things accomplished around the house. Yesterday morning I even felt at peace. Unbelievable. And then today I was anxiety filled all day. I just want to be calm all the time. That's all.

Running

I've started running. Nothing like a little running to highlight how out of shape one is. However, since that is the reason I started, I guess it is okay.

Part of the fun of running is coming up with the playlist for my iPod. It has to be the right mix of good beat and energetic. I'm still struggling.

Anyway, I'm getting there -- still can't do a mile in a row before my lungs start to explode, but I'm close. And honestly, the first bit is the hardest and once I get going, I do get to a rhythm and it gets a bit easier. Until I stop breathing. Then it isn't so good.

Exhausted

The fatigue is amazing. Unlike anything I've experienced ever. Is it possible to die of exhaustion?